Felicity is Now One

You came into the world a year ago today – what a year that has been! Some days it feels like it was only yesterday when you were first put into my arms. You were so tiny and delicate – my hands were over half the size of your little body. Seven minutes after you were born, you were rushed to the special care unit. I was lost when you were taken and I fought to be able to get out of my hospital bed to see you.

When I think of everything you have been through so far in your young life, it makes me feel so emotional. I remember the first time that I saw you in SCBU. You looked so vulnerable and tiny in the incubator. The tubes that were feeding you and assisting your breathing dwarfed your face… I just wanted to make everything better.

When I first held you properly, it was late in the evening. I had got up despite the midwives, physios and doctors being concerned that I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed for a few days. It was quiet in SCBU, except for the machines that were beeping intermittently. The nurses picked you up out of the incubator and carefully put you onto my chest. Daddy put his arms around us, we were now together – a little trio. You made both Mummy and Daddy feel complete.

A sudden overwhelming love poured out of me and I didn’t want to let you go. I wanted to just cuddle you closely. The nurses had thought that you would be in SCBU for a while, but you quickly moved from intensive care to the high dependency unit and then onto the transitional wards in a matter of days. You were a strong and determined munchkin who proved everyone wrong. You pulled out the tubes and when we did get to the transitional ward, you made sure you were heard with some impressive crying.

Then we took you home. I look at the pictures of you from that time Lissie and it melts my heart. When Uncle Tom held you, his hand looked like that of a giant as it was as big as you! Uncle Nick didn’t know what to do because he was scared of dropping you – maybe it was just the men who felt like that…! The tiny baby clothes were too big for ages and you were in newborn clothes at three months. But now look at you! You are just edible! I love tickling your long chubby legs and tummy… oh baby, I only need to think of your beautiful giggle and it makes me smile more and more. I fall in love with you more everyday. Even through the cries and tantrums, because your smile brightens up my world. I had never really understood the term ‘smiling through your eyes’ before I had you but my god, I do now! You have a cheeky little toothy grin, which brings me so much joy.

You always know when I am struggling with pain and fatigue because you give me the biggest cuddle, and it makes everything alright again. When I am particularly unwell, you won’t leave me. You hold onto me and give me a kiss; a lovely wet and slobbery kiss. When you were very little you used to suck my chin, (which was pretty gross!). Thankfully, you have moved on from that stage, because with those five toothy pegs, it would hurt something rotten!

I could write down all you have now managed to do, but that in itself would be the size of a book (and I would know that as I am currently editing one)! But here are a few of my favourites things:

1. Your crooked smile. Oh baby, you inherited my crooked smile! It was the most gorgeous and frankly hilarious thing to see you do.

2. Your first giggle. Daddy made lots of different random noises and you found it hilarious. We all laughed so much. Every time you giggle now, it makes everyone smile.

3. Your first roll over. You started that when you were quite young and I remember being with Auntie Lily when you first managed to do it… you were so determined and I could see you desperately trying to work it out.

4. Clapping your hands. You were so pleased with yourself when you managed this. As soon as you did it, a broad grin came onto your face and then you had to do it more, which made you smile more.

5. Weaning. What a journey that has been. All those hilarious facial expressions at the beginning made me laugh so much! You have been so good with your foods and now eat so many different things… including carrot porridge and eggy bread with yoghurt! (Daddy thinks that combination is disgusting!)

6. First words. Your first word was ‘hello’, which is quite an advanced thing to start with. Then you started to say ‘hi’, but the word I remember the most is when you said ‘mama’ for the first time. You had just come around from a seizure and I was terrified. I have never been so scared in all my life. You were so exhausted but you called my name. When Daddy phoned me from the hospital, you just kept calling ‘mama’ down the phone – it broke my heart into a million pieces.

7. Crawling. You started this in the week that Daddy was really poorly. In that week you changed so very much. Firstly it was the crawling, but you didn’t just crawl… instead you mimicked what could only be described as a ‘Gollum crawl’. You dragged one leg behind you and your coordination was not quite there. Even now, you still do the ‘Gollum Crawl’ and it makes us laugh so much.

8. Standing up. You stood up in the same week that you learned to crawl. You started to pull yourself up with the sofa and would even try to do that on Mummy, by trying to pull my pyjama bottoms down… on some occasions you did actually pull them down, which serves me right for not having bottoms that fitted properly!

9. Bath time. For a long time, you would sit in the bath and you weren’t bothered about playing. That all changed last week. After a tough week, Mummy and Nanny were giving you a bath and you started to splash the water, causing a mini tsunami. You moved about and played with all the toys and covered me in water. It was so beautiful to watch!

10. Messy play. The delight on your face when you were playing with paint for the first time. It went everywhere, you tried to paint your face and subsequently eat it! Then there was the jelly which you squelched with your fingers. The shaving foam wasn’t our smartest moves because Mummy was allergic to it and you decided that was even more fun!

11. Sleeping. Hallelujah! The first night you slept throughout the night in your bed was fabulous but I woke up in a cold sweat, thinking I had missed your cries and checking you were still alive. Most of the time you sleep in your bed fo4 most of the night, but on the occasions you are in with us, I wake up to your smile and I feel so in love with you.

Look how much you have grown! You are an absolute miracle, my munchkin. The past five months have not been made easy by lockdown. Having you in my life during lockdown has been wonderful because you are completely oblivious to what is happening in the world. Instead, you are just growing and exploring everyday.

I want to be able to take you outside so you can fall in love with the outdoors, as I did when I was little. I want to take you to the beach and see you play in the sand. I want to take you through the woods where you can listen to all the wildlife. Colchester zoo is down the road from us, and I just hope that one day we can take you there. I still have the tickets for Harry Potter World, and I can’t wait to introduce you to that too.

But that will take time… and that is ok.

Once Mummy’s body is strong enough to go out in her wheelchair and the world is safe enough for that, we will explore. We live. We will learn.

For now, I want you to play with the balloons that are decorating our living room, I want you to marvel at the bubbles that I blow all over the flat. I want you to continue giggling when we play peekaboo…

We are so proud of you little Felicity and we love you to the moon and the stars and beyond. You are so loved… not just by me and Daddy..l you are loved by all of our family and friends and there is a whole community on social media who are following our journey – they are rooting for you. They are with you every step of the way.

Happy birthday Felicity Grace.

Love Mummy