How I am Physically Doing Since Having a Baby

This blog was written a month ago when I had a burst of ideas for useful blogs to write about being a chronically ill mum. Unfortunately there have been quite a few things that have changed since I wrote it. The collapsing has become more often and the crashing has increased… But the pint still stands, I am mentally far more able than I am physically. So please do give it a read and let me know what you think.

When I became pregnant, I saw an increase in my physical health. It was peculiar because I couldn’t understand how the hell my body was managing to improve so relatively quickly when I had spent over a decade desperately trying to make any tiny bit of progress.

That is not to say that I didn’t still suffer a lot but compared to the torture I had faced on a minute to minute basis for the past twelve years, crashing three times a day was like a new found freedom.

The pregnancy wasn’t easy and I did suffer with different symptoms. I had hyperemesis and got weakness in my hips and pelvis, whilst the restless legs were horrendous. I suffered with insomnia and as I managed to leave my bed more frequently, I began to have fainting episodes and collapsed multiple times a day.

But still people marvelled at the fact I no longer slurred when I spoke and was less brain fogged (though I swear that had something to do with the decrease in some of my medications)!

My lovely Dr Nice was so supportive and said that it was essential that I tried to build my physical strength up as much as possible, so I got in touch with a physiotherapist and she focused on improving my core strength.

Anyway, fast forward to just over a year after giving birth and let me try to explain how my physical health is now…

My mind is much more capable than my body is. If I hear Felicity cry, then my immediate instinct is to go to her. I think about it and often pushed my body to do it, even when I am physically exhausted and end up crashing afterwards.

Felicity has been going through this stage where she likes to try and leap off my bed. She first did this about four months ago and my automatic reaction was to grab her. I threw my phone across the room and managed to catch her in one arm in breakneck speed. In doing this swift movement, I damaged my wrist. She kept trying to throw her head backwards and I would immediately jump to catch her. After I had made the quick movement, the pain was so much that my arm would give away when I tried to hold Felicity. My body just wasn’t strong enough to be able to have those mummy reflexes.

My falls have increased and I just seem to be constantly bruised. Shortly after the first time I hurt my wrist, I fainted and collapsed onto my knees, which then both subsequently came out of place. I ended up having to go into hospital because although they went back in (the sound of that still makes me feel sick), I had to have an X-ray because there were thoughts that due to my osteopenia, I had a hairline fracture.

Thankfully they were not broken, but I was told that it was likely I wouldn’t get the same strength back in them and that I would need to have physiotherapy to support me.

I ended up using crutches when my arms had enough strength, knee supports on both legs and a wrist support too!

My physiotherapist has decided that she feels that it is the M.E. fatigue that makes my muscles suddenly become unable to keep my knees in place. It is not just down to the hyper mobility I have in them. She has told me that it is going to be a long process to be able to try and improve this.

“It means it is physically not safe for me to be left with Felicity on my own”

My blood pressure has been dropping incredibly low in the past month and has been causing me a lot of problems. It has always had a tendency to drop, but it is significantly lower than it has been before. It means I collapse a lot, or suddenly feel like my blood is pooling and I can feel my tachycardia pulse in my head.

It means it is simply not safe for me to be left with Felicity on my own. I have been able to look after her whilst someone is in another room, but I wouldn’t forgive myself if I collapsed whilst holding her.

I have felt like I have metaphorically had a carrot dangled in front of my eyes, as the old saying goes. I have seen what the freedom of being able to leave my house once a week and being able to use my energy on doing things outside with my little family trio. I want that life and I am terrified of losing that again. Over the past few months, I have seen my symptoms increase and that is mentally hard to accept.

I think the battle I face the most is understanding that what my mind thinks I can do and what my body is actually able to do, are two entirely different things. Sometimes I feel that my mind can be very ableist and finds it hard to accept that my body is too unwell to be able to what I wish it could. I have to remember that I am physically disabled and no matter how much my mind wants me to not be, I can’t just push through my symptoms.

I am still vastly improved from my times of being completely bed bound twenty four hours a day, but when lockdown happened due to COVID-19; I suddenly understood that what I feel is an element of freedom, is actually a prison to able bodied people…

So whilst I am celebrating the fact that I can get to the bathroom with minimum help, I know the M.E. Monster still disabled me greatly.